i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
