Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Randomize
