they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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