She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
