yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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