Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just want nice things and good sex
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
