I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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