I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
