When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
