two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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