awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
