Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
