You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
