The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
