Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
