Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
