Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm too high and old for this...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
