She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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