rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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