is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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