i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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