do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
