he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
