Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
