It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
