I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
