dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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