i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
