update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
