Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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