I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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