your parents love me but you hate me
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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