So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
