My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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