I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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