I wanna bring you to show and tell
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
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you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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