What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Randomize
