I just cut my nipple shaving
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
