Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
