never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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