P.S. I can't hear my feet
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
do herpes really smell.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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