Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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