I faked an abortion last night.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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