why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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