We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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