I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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