yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
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I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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