How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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