Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
you traded sex for a burrito?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
