My underwear smells like fireworks.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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