I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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