my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
