i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
