why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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