Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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