im about as happy as oj after his trial
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
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Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
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You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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