I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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